where is the snow?

hi friends. my last post was uploaded at 11:59pm on dec 31, 2022. so, this is my very first post in 2023. exciting. i hope you are all feeling good about the new year. i think i am. some of these days i wake up with a certain sense of calm in the air. i always like that about the new year, it's like a fresh blanket of snow. speaking of snow, i am a little upset we haven't had any yet. i love snow. it's so much more fun than rain. rain is melancholic. don't get me wrong, i love my fair share of melancholy, but i am so enthused by the first fall of snow. who isn't? so, everyone please wish for some because you would make a certain epic awesome cool girl very very happy.

i'm thinking a lot about where i was at this point in time last year. and i find that everything is so different now. that must mean in a year from now, i will be completely different again. isn't that so simplistic and so confusing? i look around and i feel like i've seen people really fall into their rhythm, they are the same as they were last year. so why am i so different? why do i find myself in foreign land? everything feels unfamiliar, but it's really all the same?! this is confusing. but i guess it could also be a comforting thought. if you are really unhappy with some things in your life right now, know that they might be very different in one year. you might be very different in one year. time is the greatest healer and puppeteer. doesn't mean you don't miss it. it just means you're removed.

i spend half of my time hoping something exciting will happen, and the other half regretting when it does. this dance is tiring. my mother thinks i need a change of place, i think i need a change of brain. whatever. i think i have been very adamant in explaining how i am a flawed person. i guess, for me, i feel like i always have to explain myself. my ultimate goal is to make people understand me. i don't think i even understand me. does that make sense? isn't that twisted? and i hate when people think things of me when i don't want them to. i am constantly worried about what other people think. so, i try and try to explain myself with the hope in mind that everyone will understand, and then, not be able to say anything incorrect about me because they will know me fully, in all my actuality. i think i am starting to realize that this is a very unreasonable goal. a lot of people will not understand me. and i think that is okay, because as long as the people who matter have formed an idea of me that they can make peace with, i can make peace with that. i have mentioned before that i really am trying to better myself. i think i could be less accusatorial. less sensitive. but i think a lot of these things will come with time. i am only sixteen! so much more to go, so much work to be done! and i'd like to do it gracefully. my mother says i have a temper. she's not wrong, i think at times i can be very hotheaded. all i ask is that you give me time to thaw. because, one day, i will be quite wonderful. i just need some time!

as of late, all of my blog posts have been very philosophical. like very soul searching, theoretical, and enigmatic. sorry, i think i'm in a little bit of a phase. i'll probably be different in a year. if you're sick of me now, find me again then. i'll be waiting.

"how time has revealed how

little we know us

i've been too busy

i should've noticed

days that keep slipping

a life that I'm missing" , "spring"- angel olsen

-epic awesome cool girl who really wants snow