instead, a lesson learned

well, hello. i did not expect to be writing this on a sunday at noon-ish, but i'm starting to think you always get what you never expect. i'll start with my singular elephant in the room. if you've been reading this blog for a while, you might know that each year (for the past two years) i've written a "year in review." it's almost february and no such review has been posted. and no such review will be posted. i mulled over that decision for a while, and came to this conclusion for a number of reasons. first, contrary to incredibly popular belief, i am not perfect. close, but no cigar. i procrastinated writing it a little too much and january first became january second became january twenty-sixth. what a phenomenon! secondly, this year was a bit of a rollercoaster. again, i found myself in the ups and downs of spring becoming summer and the fact of the matter is some things happened that i never really saw coming.

i've been doing a sort of somber dance around this "year in review" because if i wrote about my whole year, it wouldn't be honest if i didn't write about the passing of my grandmother this past august. which is the biggest reason i've been shying away from consistently writing on here in general. i've always believed myself to be an honest writer. maybe more honest than i should be. so i'll continue to be honest when i say that i don't really know how to talk about it, especially on this platform. so i've just been choosing not to. and i don't think i will explain that. but i will say that i miss my grandmother, and she is in my thoughts every single day. it's a confusing thing to lose someone. and maybe one day it will hurt less, and i'll be able to talk about it more, but today is not that day. i hope you understand that.

instead of my year in review, i'd like to continue with a larger lesson learned. i think this is the first year in my life i've been able to look back and not see it all as completely good or bad. bad things happened, and along with the bad came a lot of good, which i am thankful for. i fell in love this past year, which has been a beautiful thing, and i truly would not have gotten through the dark without all the good i had holding me. so i am grateful. i think that's my "year in review." that i am grateful to have everything that i do, and to have had everything that i lost. and i will hold that close to my heart when i feel sad, or when i miss her. i have learned who to hold close and who to thank. and i continue to thank you for everything you have done for me. and i sincerely hope i have done something for you.

i truly am going to try to write on here more often. i think it's a shame my posting has slowed down. i hope you'd agree. i'll end this off with a lyric from a song i've used before, but a new line. i'm sure you know why. i'll see you soon.

"my grandmother's last smile,

i'm gonna take that too with me.

it's a beautiful life,

remember that too, for me." , "the grants" - lana del rey

-epic awesome cool girl

for ms. sandy june