inquisitive and existentialist

wow hi. i've been meaning to do this for quite a while. i'm not really sure what to start off with other than welcome back. i don't think i will explain where i've been, other than telling you that i've been in my usual haunts. i will say that i missed you greatly, and i was never quite sure what to say every time i opened my computer to write to you. anyways, you might have noticed that i redid my website! i was looking at the old one and figured it could use a touch up. it has been over two years since i started this blog, which is absolutely insane and i shudder at the thought that i am not fifteen anymore. i'm an adult! only in technical terms. i find myself wondering if i would like to go back to being 15 or something like that, and the answer that immediately jumps to my mind is absolutely fucking not. i think fifteen and sixteen are years sent from some very evil place to rip you apart and build you back into something or other that you can't quite recognize. but you make do with it. that's where i am now. i'm in chicago wondering who i am and what i am going to do with the rest of my life. i don't really know where to go from here, literally and in the blogging sense. i think i've gotten a little rusty at dumping my brain out on the internet. i don't know. i don't know anything, actually. i feel like this is all some big waiting game, and something wonderful is just around the corner and i just have to wait until i get there. have i spent all my life just waiting for good things to come? or am i the kind of person who goes out and seeks good things? i think it depends on the day, to be quite honest. i think there is no answer to this question. is everyone else as confused as i am? or is everyone else content? have my high school friends forgotten about me or was i even a thought in their brain in the first place? am i in the right place with the wrong mindset or is everything wrong and terrible? am i the problem? i don't feel at home, but i don't know if i felt at home AT home. maybe i'm just wishing i could go back because i'm looking at high school with these rose colored goggles and i forget the hell it was sometimes. that's not true. i remember how bad it was sometimes, but i'm getting so caught up on the good! the last few months were nothing short of fantastic! i felt freed from work, i fell in love, and everything felt like it was in it's rightful place. but, here i am, a few months later, feeling like a shell of myself. how is it that you can build yourself up just to be knocked down? why are we given such beautiful things if they get taken away? will grief ever end? i feel like i'm lost in a warp of questions and when i figure them all out i'll have forgotten to live my life because i'll have wasted it withering away! don't think i'm crazy. because i'm almost certain someone else out there feels the same way i do. and it might be you. if it's not, enjoy your wonderful little life and know that i am terribly jealous of you. being eighteen hurts my head. i feel like i've had to do so much growing up over the past few months and it's all been a rollercoaster i can't get off of. i need a break. but, then again, i'm not really doing anything, so maybe i need to busy myself. something needs to change. i'll try and figure it out, and when i do, i'll let you know.

that was a LOT. i guess i did have quite a bit to say. i think i needed to get a little existential. on the more regular side, i'm starting to read "m train" by patti smith. i hope i like it. i need a good read. anyways, i think that's all i have in me tonight. this has been nice. i missed writing on here. i can't tell you if i'll do it again soon, but someday, i will. see you then.

"but I always knew that in the end,

no one was coming to save me

so i just prayed

and i keep praying

and praying

and praying

if it's meant to be then it will be" , "sun bleached flies" - ethel cain

-epic awesome cool girl who has so many questions and so few answers