the walk

there is a feeling inside me i don't think i can escape. let me tell you about the other night. saturday night was, in short, next to dreadful. i cried on the train and was interrupted only by the realization that i missed my stop. got off at west fourth and started the walk to union square. feeling worse and feeling cold, it did not amuse me that every person i passed was either in love or with friends. everyone was having a better time than i was. plus, my headphones broke the other day, so it was quiet-ish, that's miserable within itself. by the way, i hope you don't think i'm telling you all of this so you feel bad for me. it's information for the sake of information. what is the point of having a blog if not to tell you about my lowest lows? they make the highest highs much sweeter. it's all a part of it. and, with you at least, i am nothing if not honest. anyways, while i was walking, i thought about recording the joy and the love that was sewn through the night on my camera, but decided against it. you know that feeling when you could do something you love and feel better, but you just don't? that's where i was at. anyways, i kept walking. me versus the freezing cold and also my misery.

do you want to know something funny that i was thinking on that walk? i think i preach peace and love, mostly because i believe in it, but also i strive to find it. because i don't know if i have it. i think, these days, i am a hateful person sometimes. sorry. but i hold grudges and sometimes the love i have for people just rots like a fucking plant. if you don't water the fucking plant, how do you expect it to stay alive?!?! excuse my language, but sometimes i am a plant begging to be watered because then i could be beautiful but you don't water me and then get fucking sad when i rot. should've watered the plant, stupid. anyways, i was just thinking that on my walk to union square. speaking of, when i got to union square, i thought about going to the christmas market and feeling joy but the train station and the inevitable wallowing it promised was closer. so i got on the train. and then i went home. don't remember much from then on.

these days suck. kinda. a lot of people suck. kinda. peace and love. kinda.

unless something profoundly wonderful or profoundly devastating happens in the next couple of weeks, i'll probably talk to you next for the year in review. see you then.

-epic awesome cool girl whose love is rotting