the the the the the poem

the wandering eyes of a man that make their way down to your chest

the crisp “compliment” on a weekday morning that makes you turn up the volume

the battle against your brain

the feeling of tears welling in your eyes

the world going gray when you are alone

the familiarity of a fallen face

the way someone gets uncomfortably close on a train

the way you tell yourself today will be different

the words that spill out

the feelings you hide

the pain you feel

the knot in your chest tightening

the way your throat dries up

the crying in the stairwell

the wiping of tears in the bathroom

the big personality you created that you hope is enough to hide the rest of this poem

the feeling of hopelessness

the words you never said

the text you never sent

the mindless television watching

the lock on the bathroom door

the clothes on the floor that pile up

the scroll after scroll after scroll

the feeling of not mattering

the overwhelming guilt

the long sleeve shirts

the droopy eyes that beg for sleep

the wishing and hoping

the uncomfortable way you sit so less of your stomach is exposed

the anxiety you get in a big group

the way nobody notices

the way you don’t want anyone to

the anger

the fear

the ache of vulnerability

the little girl you let down

the loss of motivation

the admittance and acceptance

the wish that things will get better

the feeling when they don't

things are hard for me right now. they might be hard for you as well. i've learned that writing about the way i feel and getting things laid flat out in front of me is better than having to decipher it in my head. it's why i like this blog so much. because maybe reading about how i feel can help you decipher how you feel. if you resonate with some of the things in the poem, i'm sorry. because it really does suck. and it sucks not knowing why how you feel changes so quickly. it seems like an unwinnable game. i get so in my head about everything that i just shut down or close off or get people to leave me alone. because it's easier like that. to not have anyone to protect you when you fall. but it isn't better. and it's not what i want. it's important to find people that can help you when you can't help yourself. if you ever need that person, you know where to find me.

"regrets collect like old friends,

here to relive your darkest moments.

i can see no way, i can see no way,

and all of the ghouls come out to play.

and every demon wants his pound of flesh,

but i like to keep some things to myself.

i like to keep my issues drawn,

it's always darkest before the dawn."- "shake it out" , florence + the machine

-epic awesome cool girl who is burying that horse in the ground