the first post

i don't know why i made a blog. i guess maybe sharing my ruminations will make other people less insecure about their own. or maybe i just want attention. who knows? but for now, hello blog. there' s a lot of pressure to say something cool or angsty just because whatever i say will be on the internet. gross. but i'll do it anyways. let me tell you about my favorite book, "my year of rest and relaxation", by ottessa moshfegh. i think there is something so eerily beautiful about the writing, because it forces my sickened brain to romanticize being a young adult with awful mental illness, scarcely leaving my overpriced apartment, glued to my sofa in a frenzy of sleeping pills, and being a horrible friend. i think that the security of it is what i like the most. the main character, her routine never changes. terrible things happen to her and those around her, but she has structure. i want that. not in the form of a crippling addiction to sleeping pills, but a sense of knowing what i'm doing. i do not have that. but what teenage girl has that? i think the identity crisis is part of the package.

i need to clean my room. i almost feel like i can tell the passing of time by how messy my room gets. i know it's been a week or two when i can't see my floor anymore, and the marks on my mirror distort my face just until the point where i almost like it. it's sort of my routine i guess. clean room gets messy, i say i'll clean it, i never do until it gets to the point where i feel suffocated by a mass of clothes that i don't really even like that much. then i clean it. it's somewhat spiritual, the cleaning of a room. a new beginning. picking up the clothes, bringing the dirty dishes downstairs, and feeling like you're really doing something of substance, a step towards a happier existence. until you get home from a long day doing whatever happens during a day, and you change out of your outfit that you didn't really like that much, and you drop the clothes on the floor, promising to pick them up later. you never do. it just continues all the way until you're right back where you started. oh well, i'll clean it tomorrow.

i feel like that was a successful post. i don't know how you liked it, but i did. also my chemistry class is ending so i really must go. i don't know if i'll ever use this again, but if i do, i'll see you then.

"“for a moment I felt joyful, and then I felt completely exhausted.” - ottessa moshfegh, my year of rest and relaxation

- epic awesome cool girl who is now a blogger!