sulfur and molasses

hi friends. i am in a time of big change. or maybe i'm just coming to the end of it. i am not the same person i used to be. or maybe other people aren't the people they used to be. and i can't be frustrated that we changed, no matter how badly i want to be. because that's just the way it is. and i think i have to find beauty in that. or at least settle with it. and i have to accept that things will never go back to they way they were. and i have to stop trying to make them. and that's such a awful game. because the way things used to be was so familiar, i had my relationships and i knew how to manage them. and now they have changed. and i don't know whether to let them go or not. and everyday i have to figure out how to manage the new ones. and i am just so tired. and i guess it's hard to find motivation to figure them out. because it hurts. but the only reason it hurts is because i am still tied to the idea of the past. how do we cut those ties? and how do we tie ourselves to the future, whatever it ends up being? so many things that i have to figure out. what if my new life doesn't bring me as much happiness the old one did? what if it brings me none at all? i just think right now i am not happy. so as long as the future is better than this, i think i will be okay.

sorry for the dreary tone. i've been very up and down recently. i've been alone a lot. and that means i'm just thinking to myself, thinking about things in excruciating detail. and that is really sickening. don't you just wish you could turn your brain off? i do. maybe then i could get a little more rest. figure out how to be a little more of a person. i feel a little like a ghost. i just float around the hallways and don't say anything to anyone. i think if i did, maybe they just wouldn't say anything back. sometimes i feel like people see right through me. sometimes i feel like there's nothing to see. or nothing that would matter to them anyways. recently, i've been feeling like that a lot. i think i'm done with high school. i've got to move to better things. move to better people for me. be a better person for others. and i think the answers to my endless questions are just not in highschool. maybe for some people they are. but for me, i don't think so.

it's not all bad though. i've been doing some things that make me really happy. outside of school. i've been seeing some very cool movies, and doing some very cool reading. maybe i'll do a media review soon. enough of this manic-depressive bullshit. here's a little ill-written taste. everyone should read "black swans" by eve babitz. it is a very good book, and makes me excited to grow up, even though adulthood has its faults. but the exciting thing is they'll be different faults. not the same old things that ruin me everyday. something new, however awful. and i think i can find happiness in that. don't know what's wrong with me. i don't even know if i'll post this because i don't know if it'll help. me or you. i just missed you. sorry for not posting, i have absolutely no excuse. forgive me? or not. trying to figure it all out. love you lots.

"spring is here, there's no mistaking,

robins building nests from coast to coast.

my heart tries to sing so they won't hear it breaking,

spring can really hang you up the most." , "spring can really hang you up the most" - ella fitzgerald

-epic awesome cool girl who is trying to make ties to something she doesn't know