playing with scissors and trimming the edges

hi friends. and a wonderful evening to you. right now i am very comfortable in my bed with that oh so familiar heavy feeling in my eyelids. i have truly exhausted myself. it has been a veeeerrrryyy long week. monday i saw muna which was so crazy incredible i just die thinking about it. tuesday, had ap test and saw the very spectacular gospel concert. wednesday, rehearsal and lots of dancing which led into thursday, last ap test and a day just as slow as molasses. was nice and sunny though. and that was my today. in hindsight, it doesn't sound like a lot, but i am a girl who tires easily.

been getting so infatuated with this idea of trimming the edges, letting things go just enough to make myself happy but to also not be totally alone. a tolerable distance. i feel like distance is such a fickle thing. i was a very all or nothing girl. either we are conjoined at the hip or i want nothing to do with you ever again. i am trying to change, because life is not meant to be walked through alone and we cannot cut off pieces of ourselves to try and not feel them. we have to trim the edges. and it is hard as fuck.

one of the crazy things about growth and trying to better yourself is you don't want anybody to know. i went through a lot of weird periods in my life this past year, and in every single one i was trying to figure myself out while simultaneously pretending to have already figured myself out. i guess i don't want to show that i am trying to grow because that means that i have things i want to work on which is basically admitting i have faults. which is embarrassing for a teenage girl. and for anyone, i guess. and sometimes i believe the worst in people. i think they will just dwell on the bad parts about me and ignore all of the good. sometimes people are the worst and they do exactly that. and i feel like once you meet the latter, you start to believe everyone is just plain bad. which is not true, but stuff like that sticks. and sometimes it sucks because you love those people, the ones who hang onto your faults, and you still want them in your life even though it makes you mostly miserable. and therein lies the importance of trimming the edges. sometimes, love can be from a distance. because getting hurt is a part of life but nobody should ever have to be blamed for someone they used to be. trim the edges and i think you'll get a much prettier picture. i hope.

i don't think i am making a whole lot of sense. i apologize, my brain is so crazy fried. and this post definitely could have been saved for later but the present is a gift and the gift is me and all of my ramblings. don't think about them too much. i am a cryptic mastermind but i am also the worlds best word vomiter. gross. see you next time.

"everybody's girl

what's the point in bein' everybody's girl?

maybe you think that way there's no chance gettin' hurt

livin' for no one costs me way more than it's worth" , "buddy's rendezvous" - father john misty (performed by lana del rey)

-epic awesome cool girl who is playing with scissors