nothing

hi friends. the funny thing is i love myself. i do not love who i am with some other people, but i love me. and i truly love the people who let me be me. they don't have to love me, because i will for the both of us. and i can't figure out if this is mania or if i am just seeing things from a different perspective. today i was very happy. and it was not because of other people, it was because of me. what a spectacular thing. the way life just unfolds without my meddling makes me so happy. well, let me tell you all about my day. my mundane and wonderful and beautiful day.

nothing particularly joyful happened today. in fact, a lot of things that one could see as negative happened today. i took my sat. what a rite of passage. i kind of think it's nice. growing up, the sat was always a far away thing that i knew existed but never really meant anything to me. as of today, i have taken it. it is a thing i have done. what a crazy marking of the passage of time. and i think that is sort of beautiful within itself. i grew up just a little. one could say it was a milestone. speaking of milestones, i'm getting closer to starting my first job. isn't that also crazy? i am feeling older. older and also happier. at least for now. which is something i will enjoy. at least for now. after my sat, i walked around manhattan and got on all of the wrong trains. it didn't bother me though. i feel like i never get to really appreciate the city. i've lived in it my whole life, and it is still not mine. but i have so much love for it. so, what was the harm in spending a little more time on avenues and train stations? on a day like today, i believe, in terms of harm, there is very little. after getting off the train, guess where i went? the bank. the bank! i just want to say that is such a grown up thing to do, and i felt so very grown up doing it. i walked all the way up to the bank teller and asked very politely if i could deposit my spare coins. i was told said coins would have to be wrapped, so naturally, i asked for coin wrappers. he said, "how many?" i said, "as many as you are willing to give me." i had lots of spare change. i walked out with handfuls of coin wrappers and a very satisfied feeling in my chest. i arrived home, ate lunch, and started wrapping my coins. i also watched john mulaneys' new netflix special and i enjoyed myself. wrapping coins is not for the weak-fingered. it took me a little while to get the hang of it, but once i did, i was as good as gold. or as copper. get it? coin joke! about halfway through i took a break and deposited thirty eight dollars and fifty cents at the bank because they were closing and i was ecstatic to show the bank teller my progress. my mother helped me a lot, so i made her and i a snack after an hour or two of coin wrapping. we finished off the coins, and i will go deposit those some other day. today was a day filled with very little, but still enough to make me more than content. now, i am writing to you! i am also listening to other peoples spotify playlists, because that is one of my favorite pastimes. if you're reading this, i have probably picked over your spotify. i think it's a little window into the soul. and now you're all caught up.

so, the real question is, why did i have such a good day? because, frankly, i did not do anything wildly incredible. i did not do a lot of anything. so i guess this is where i'm happiest. doing nothing except things i must do and also taking care of myself and the people who surround me who i can also do nothing with and feel content and like life is glorious which it should always be. a very long and gramatically incorrect sentence but it's how i feel. and i've always told you exactly how i feel. i feel happy. it's almost sad how happy i feel. i'm looking forward to so much. and nothing at all. what a crazy game! funky puzzle! smile on my face.

my fingers hurt from extensive coin wrapping, so i must say goodnight. i hope you dream of being happy and doing nothing at all. i know i will.

"and she shows you where to look

among the garbage and the flowers." , "suzanne" - leonard cohen

-epic awesome cool girl who is happily doing nothing at all