monologue continues!

surprise! i think it may have been a century since we've last spoken. i am the same exact person and somehow changed in a thousand different ways. i hope you've had a good summer. i think it's been a good one, or at least more good than bad. something about it has given me something i've needed, and i'm thankful for that. i think i ought to be more graceful. i spend so much time screaming about who i am, how i feel, kicking and scratching, that i forget to just let things happen to me. i have been so frustrated that i forget to let go. and i think letting go is a beautiful thing. nothing will work out how i want it to, and isn't that a spectacular thing! life would be so much less fun if it didn't keep us on our toes. food for thought. missed you.

so where have i been? a summer in the forest! so fun, so beautiful. i was talking to my therapist today and i was telling her that this summer, being by myself was so much less lonely than it had been previously. something about the nature of it all wraps you up and keeps a smile on your face. so, i've been very happy about that. it is ending soon, which would be awful except all things have to end and just because they end doesn't mean whatever it gave you is over. if that makes sense.

i have been doing a lot of writing this summer. not to you. sorry. but to myself. i think i spent so much time writing to everyone else that i forgot to write to myself. and i feel like maybe i could talk to myself, which i do sometimes, but writing has always remained my preferred way of communication. i would never speak again if i could just write. well, maybe a couple times a year. i think i might go insane if i couldn't be reminded the sound of my own voice. but that's just a me thing. someone once told me that when i talk it's like the background of everything else, something like that, and i originally thought that was mean but i now i believe i think otherwise. i guess i would like to believe my unending monologue is somewhat of a comfort. so i will believe that, even if that is not what was meant or if you all think it is untrue. the funny thing about me is i will believe what i need to believe. and somehow that carries me through.

i have anxieties about this upcoming year. this summer, i think i have been different than how i have been before. maybe i have not shown it, but fundamentally, i am different. i am learning. i guess i am scared of going back to how i was. i think there was a lot of discomfort in that. i hope i remain. or grow into someone i love more. who knows! like i said, nothing will ever work out the way i want it to. and who knows what i want? let me know if you have any clue.

"i guess that i miss you, i guess i forgive you

i'm glad you stood in my way" , "famous blue raincoat" - leonard cohen

-epic awesome cool girl on her toes