little paragraphs of thought.

i wish i could tell you everything. because if i could, i think i would feel a lot better about a lot of things. give myself clarity, possibly put my mind at ease. it isn't easy though, writing things into the abyss. like a lot of things, it's a little scary. but i do it anyways. for you, i guess. enough introductory writing, let's get into this blog post.

it's been a weird weekend. saturday was one of the most clarifying nights i've had in a while. we don't have to get into details. all that should be important to you is that i've come to the conclusion that i think i possibly become infatuated with people or things that make me feel good. isn't that twisted? my theory is that my heart is detached from my head, they have to be two separate things because i feel so many things that i know aren't rational, and it terrifies me. do you feel the same way?

i'm awful at decision making. i've been playing with the unoriginal idea that there are multiple realities, and every choice i make has an effect on the course of my life. like if i were to be given a choice between apple and banana, and i chose apple, i would get everything i wanted and be happy and good. but if i chose banana, i would be miserable and tortured for the rest of my life. the worst part is, in the moment of choosing i wouldn't know the eventual outcome, and this fuels my fear that i am never making the right decision. but i don't know how reliable this idea is. i'll just do whatever i want for now.

something that confuses me is how much personality can change, and how quickly. it makes me wonder how secure i am with the personality i have now. i am not the same person i was last summer. hell, i wasn't the same person i was a week ago. it must be confusing knowing me. sorry about that.

enough pondering for this sunday night. this is a little depressing, and i really ought to be happier more. hope i gave you something to think about. sleep tight.

"doesn't know what she wants

or what she's gonna do

a rebel without a clue." - "graceland too" , phoebe bridgers

-epic awesome cool girl who desperately wants to make the right decision