in too deep

a lot of ups and downs recently. there has been some intense and complete peace and an equal amount of intense and complete grief. the feeling keeps changing too fast for me to keep up. maybe this isn't as good as i thought it was. maybe i am not as different as i thought i was. i know this won't last forever, but just because i know it doesn't mean i have to believe it. nobody has shown me any proof. so, for tonight, i will stay this way. i wish love and art and life were so much simpler. i am very tired.

i ought to tether myself to something different. i ought to devote myself to something kinder. i ought to keep my mouth shut and my hands rested. but there is an energy brought out from inside of me and i cannot help but tie and talk and touch.

there is a real light pouring out of things these days. everything is more beautiful. i didn't know that would make them so violent. i am sitting in the garden and it is lovely but the thorns are deep in my back and the wasps are stinging my chest. the door is slightly ajar now, but i had to beg and scream to be let in. is any of this worth it????? i wish there was no inspiration. only quiet.

maybe i'll wake up soon. maybe i'll let go soon. this breakdown is profoundly humbling.

"oh, god, turn me into a flower." , "god turn me into a flower" - weyes blood