i'll be whatever you want.

hi friends. can i call you friend? whatever you want. i think i have been trying to do more of what i want. i think i am most unhappy when i'm doing something that doesn't feel right. because why should i have to be unhappy if that's what someone else wants? or not even that. if that's what i think someone else wants. i think i have done a fine job in conveying that i am a very meticulous thinker. something i have to joyfully accept is that not everything is about me. which is nice. because if it isn't about me, i can take some of the pressure off myself. for a very long time, i have thought that the source of people's unhappiness is largely in part to me. so i have to fix it, and that's when i get suffocating. or suffocated. but to be honest, i don't think there is enough time in the day for me to ruin everyone's life. i am busy, but not that busy. so, why not just do what i can to bring myself joy? and in turn, i think that would bring others joy. sometimes i just have to leave well enough alone. and i think that is what i want. isn't it lovely when we make these little connections? makes you feel like you're just a little bit closer to figuring out the puzzle.

i've been writing more poetry. how artistic of me to say that! ha. i don't mean to be snobby, i just wanted you to know. i could probably share it with you, but i think all good things come with time. speaking of time, i am running out! these upcoming months will be filled with college tours, a bittersweet reminder that i am more than halfway done with high school. i feel like i filled my glass, or maybe i smashed it over my head. anyways, i feel done with high school. but i think that's maybe how i'm supposed to feel. maybe that's how i'lll feel about college. i hope not. but that's how it goes. you feel fed up until you're finished, and once you are, onto the next thing. seems like a monotonous way to live. i'll deal.

if i want to leave, why don't i? if i don't want to do something, why do it? this is my newest philosophy. a friend called it "protecting your peace." i like this. if i can't protect the peace of others, why not at least try to protect my own. i don't know if that makes me a bad person. i have always thought about other people, too much even, but why think about them if they aren't thinking about me? this, of course, does not apply to ever person in the world. only some. some people are really good about caring about you. so, in turn, you can care about them. i don't think i am a people pleaser, i just think i really want to be viewed as good. but i am so adamant on calling myself a bad person, so what does it matter if everyone else thinks i am good. i am not a bad person. neither are you. we just have to believe that. maybe that comes before anyone else does. what a awful and full truth.

maybe i am lost in my ways. maybe i am my own searchlight. will the rest of my life come with all of this contemplation? what a wonderfully harrowing way to live. at least i'll have some writing material. and isn't that a calming thought? at least, it is to me. see you later.

"waiting to feel clean

that's so fucking boring." , "ghost in the machine" - sza featuring phoebe bridgers

-epic awesome cool girl who is protecting her peace