i found the snow!

hi friends. it's february! and guess what? it snowed! just a little bit, not enough to cover the sidewalks, but it snowed. and i am very happy. i think a lot of people though it would be impossible to get snow this year. i was one of them. but i have never been happier to be wrong. you have to know by now i love snow. also i love when the impossible happens. sometimes. sometimes, things you never thought would happen, you wished never would happen, happen. all of the melancholy stars align and you are very sad. but i don't think that is forever. things have a funny little habit of working themselves out. all if takes is time! sorry, i'm on a whole time thing recently. when will i get off this horse? give it a little time.

it's been a few days, the snow has melted, and so has all of my resentment. i was talking to my therapist and we were discussing how i am the type of person to hold onto other people's emotions. i often think i am the reason for other people's pain or unhappiness. i am often the reason for my own. and it's so hard to accept that maybe i am not the most awful burden in the world. but we are making progress, and for that we can be thankful. anyways, february is alive and well! i think february has always been a very medium month. i'd like it to be a mellow time. i feel like i am always making waves. i want to not do that. it is too cold for swimming.

i am always reminded that if i feel out of control, at least i am growing. if nothing else is going right, at least i am still moving and alive. it is so hard to wrap my head around the idea that this time in my life will not last forever. high school feels so permanent. it's so funny. i am hardly even a person. i am just a product of my surroundings. but when those surroundings change, who do we become? that is why i am on my main mission. figuring out who i am, regardless of where i am. so wherever i end up, i can still be me. have my little rituals. i wonder if the people around me have figured out who they are. if they have, good for them.

i feel so sporadic. this post is all over the place and i'm really sorry i've been awful about uploading them. i worry that you'll find out that i am actually very mundane. so i'm nervous that maybe if i keep writing about the same things, you'll get sick of me, so i just don't write at all. awful way to deal with things, but i'm learning. i think i also have to remember that other people are learning as well. i have always been a fickle forgiver. i'm working on it. hm. i'm listening to "emily i'm sorry" and it says a very thought provoking line. "i don't know who i am, but i know what i want." i feel as though i relate. i don't know who i am, but i know who i aspire to be. who knows if i'm really on the right path to getting it, but i do know i am on the genuine path. so i'll find solace in that. happy trails.

"emily, forgive me, can we

make it up as we go along?

i'm twenty seven and i don't know who i am

but i know what i want." , "emily i'm sorry" - boygenius

-epic awesome cool girl who will not last forever