good days and good nights

it's october! can't wrap my head around that. it's senior year! can't wrap my head around that either. big difference this year. i feel very different. but i feel more like myself, so it's a good thing. i thought it was getting colder but i've found myself in long sleeves on eighty one degree days. so i guess i'll hold off on sweaters and such things for now. anyways, college essays and applications are very real now. they've felt so far away for forever and now they're right here! terrifying thing. also exciting. i'm excited for college. but i used to be excited for college because i wanted to get out of highschool. now, not so much. i don't hate it all that often anymore. i think there have been good things right in front of my face and all i had to do was open my eyes and look at them. painful process but i'm glad to say the fruits of my labor taste great!

i've been trying really hard to keep my room clean. and i'm so happy because my room is much more of a me space. and every night i light my candles and turn on my humidifier and listen to music and read or write or just lie there and smile.

i wish i knew everything. then maybe i wouldn't have so much to think about. some questions just have to be answered!!!!! maybe it would explain why some people are weirdish. maybe it would explain why i'm weirdish. sometimes. i don't know. it's october and i'm thinking about silly stupid things. actually, i don't wish i knew everything. i just wish i knew some things. the things that matter. or i wish some people would tell me some things that matter. it would keep me from second guessing myself. or guessing at all. miserable game.

i've been eating at least three clementines per day. fruit best shared and i eat it all by myself. very special day coming up this friday. i love yooooooooou, emily. i figured you deserved a blog shoutout because you are my soulmate!!

GUYS I ALSO SAW BOYGENIUS AND MUNA AND I'M COMING BACK TO SAY THAT BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!! best night ever. see you later.

"oh, the places in your dreams

are they fiction or memory?

and if you listen for long enough

you'll fall asleep" , "music box" - leith ross

-epic awesome cool girl who says goodnight