forty-five.

hello, blog! i wanted to say something before i formally start this entry. the whole reason i started writing on here is to share thoughts i have, in hopes of helping someone else feel a little more normal. these entries are the written version of how i feel at the time i’m writing them, and it isn’t always happy, which is alright. i just wanted to let you know that this entry gets a little more personal and vulnerable, and if you aren’t into that, that’s totally cool and i’ll see you later. if you want to, this entry is here for you. you’ve always got an option.

i think something very important that we should remember is that when everything feels a little bit awful, it’s only a split second in the timeline of your life. i feel like i can share things with you. so i will. to put it in plain terms, recently, things have been hard living in my brain. i’ve been grappling with a lot of unexpected new feelings toward people and i’m not the best at handling my emotions. i’ve been getting a lot angrier a lot quicker, and it gets hard to not act irrationally. and what is so upsetting is i can’t control it. often, i feel like a lot of the things i’m feeling are affecting other people, like the toxins in my brain are leaking out and i’m poisoning people. and it makes me push them away, people i really care about, who don’t deserve that. and then i feel like everything is my fault. that’s the best way i can put it. right now, i am sitting in my car, and four minutes ago i was feeling pretty wrapped up in my emotions, and then i thought about how small this is. my tiny little teenage crisis might seem so huge right now, but when i’m forty-five years old i’m going to look back on this and realize how silly it all was. it doesn’t mean things don’t suck for me right now, an (almost) sixteen-year-old, it just means none of this will suck when i’m forty-five. sure, other things will suck, but it won’t be this. and i’ll have grown by then, and i’ll deal with it as a forty-five-year-old would. and you will too. i find that comforting. and to be completely transparent with you, it makes things suck a little less now. like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. so if you take anything away from these entries, it should be that things might be confusing and terrible now, but they won’t always be. and i think that’s all i can say.

take care of yourself,

-epic awesome cool girl who will be okay