everything

hi friends. wow, aren't i just the worst blogger in the world?! i seem to be taking these pauses in between posts, and they aren't epic, awesome, OR cool. it's not because i don't want to talk to you, i am just figuring out what to say. anyways, here's a little everything post. because i think i have everything to say.

spring has sprung! i have mentioned before that i blossom in spring. it is my favorite time of year. and last spring was just so crazy perfect that it is very hard to not have expectations. charles dickens wrote "great expectations" about me. because i always put my hopes up too high and time and time again i am dumbfounded when things don't work out. silly me. anyways, i think it's high time i lowered my expectations. i mentioned that i had a perfect spring last year. this is not true. i had a lot of awful times last spring, it's just that a year later i don't remember any of it because my brain is just a strainer and the past is sand and all that sifts through is the good. does that make sense? i don't know. okay, so this spring is highly likely to not be "perfect." and i wish i could say that i don't care that it won't be, but that is a lie. i want it to be perfect, and i will have to settle with impurities falling through.

i mentioned that this is an everything post, so i will give you everything. here is some 'poetry.' written ranging from sometime in october to now. all of them are untitled, make something up.

i want to destroy my body

tear out my eyes and plant them in a far place

something beautiful and new will grow

fold me up in a little package and mail me someplace pure

she comes in seconds

not minutes or hours

but sweet and subtle seconds

to painfully remind us of every one spent without her

i miss purgatory

at least it was different

now i am looking for humanity

in the place that you call home

last night i dreamed i was free

woke up with the knots tightened

new things are being built

with stronger foundations

kiss the corrupt walls goodbye

tear them down for the last time

i want to dream about never having met you

and in thirty years we will meet at a bar or in the park

and still be friends

we both have a quiet understanding

the rain cloud remains

we will get rained on

hold invisible umbrellas up

and pretend to be dry

ok that's enough. how are we feeling? feeling like everything, i hope. more, more, more! here is some media review.

so, i've been going to this spectacular cinema, a true lower east side treasure, and it has this old little hollywood-ish vibe and it is the most seductive atmosphere i would like to be buried there. it's called "metrograph" and if you have been anywhere around me in the past month i have not shut up about it! anyways, i've seen some really awesome films and i would like to share a little review of them with you. not sure if this appeals to my demographic, but it's always good to try new things. i am now an honorary film bro.

dans paris (2006)

this is the first film i watched at metrograph. the film started with a broken fourth wall, and i was incredibly intrigued, we were off to a good start. the film focuses on two brother, one who has problems with love, and one who solves his problems with sex. i really enjoyed the contrast between the two brothers and you get a really interesting back and forth set of stories. also, i think it is incredibly difficult to put themes of suicide, love, depression, and comedy together without it all feeling incredibly one note. because that mélange is what real life is, and it is actually so unfathomably hard to put real life on film. "dans paris" did not disappoint. i related to so much in this movie, and nothing at all. how could i understand what being a father is like? but i did. and it was very moving and thought-provoking and wonderful. very impressive. also lots of intricate and beautiful cinematography. reminded me that we don’t have to see the face to see the acting. also heavy spotlight on male mental health. we still don’t see enough of it shown on screen today, and this came out in 2006. such a true depiction of the motions of depression. and it was still funny! because that is real life. you can be so incredibly depressed and still laugh. what a crazy thing. the film has a strangish ending that i don't understand yet but i will let you know if i ever do.

36 fillette (1988)

i saw "36 fillette" hours after seeing "dans paris" and because i loved the first so much, i was worried the second would fall short, it did not! before the movie started, a french man came out and spoke french! he talked about the controversy of the film we were about to see. how it was "taboo" in it's time, but may be even more "punk" today. he was funny. later, i would find out he was christopher honoré, the director and screenwriter of "dans paris". and i just think that is a perfect connection. anyways, the whole thing was incredibly and increasingly terrifyingly erotic. "36 fillette" is about the emerging sexuality of a fourteen year old girl. it depicted a situation i cannot understand, but i still found myself relating to it. and it was disgusting. and the most horrifying thing was that i loved it. the cinematography was, again, beautiful. nobody is doing it like the french. this one reminded me that you don't have to speak to act. french people love to smoke cigarettes and be naked. i want to note that "36 fillette" was directed by a woman, so of course i adored the direction. also i just love to see female representation in the industry. and it was "punk".

i saw two other films at metrograph, but i will keep the media review slightly concise because i just want to get to more. a little bit of everything. but, i will most likely talk about them in other post because the other two were possibly some of the best films i've ever seen. metrograph never misses. stay tuned. here's my music media recap:

songs i've been listening to (if you want, you should too) that rhymed!!!

AMERICA HAS A PROBLEM- beyoncé

i have not stopped listening to this song because it actually makes me want to shake ass. and that's the whole and honest truth.

sweet- lana del rey

peppers- lana del rey (feat. tommy genesis)

let the light in- lana del rey (feat. father john misty)

a&w- lana del rey

mother. i love the new album. everything is perfect.

dead of night- orville peck

this used to be my song last year, and it came back for a rerun. this song is like driving in a car at night and staring at the lights of the car in front of you until your eyes hurt and then closing your eyes and feeling them pulse.

paper bag- fiona apple

HUNGER HURTS. yeah. a classic. i listened to this on repeat and sat in the park and cried. and i was incredibly happy.

take me to church- hozier

my shit when i was like 8 or something. my shit now. hozier's voice is just like so good and perfect like i want to kiss it.

night shift- lucy dacus

i have been listening to this song since august, and knowing how much i DID NOT relate to it back then is so sad to think about because now it is like me in a song and a melody.

ain't no mountain high enough- marvin gaye and tammi terrell

this is the best song ever like it is just so good. their voices go so well together and it just makes me want to bust a move. this song makes me feel like i could be good at dancing.

try everything- shakira

yeah. zootopia was fire, argue with the wall.

alright, now you know how great my music taste is. here's the last leg in our little everything race. what's up with me! i think i have things to look forward to, and there are little gemstones to be found in every day. i am going on college tours next week, and i am very excited. something about being someplace new for a little makes me smile. i am going to grow older and i think i ought to do some growing in another garden. as of late, i drink lots of tea and read lots of books. oh! more media! right now, i am reading "play as it lays" by joan didion. i am enjoying myself. i am doing alright. and one day i will let go and still be alright. and i hope that is alright with you.

"ooh, let the light in

at your back door yelling 'cause i wanna come in

ooh, turn your light on

look at us, you and i, back at it again" , "let the light in" -lana del rey (featuring father john misty)

-epic awesome cool girl who is a little bit of everything