do not read this if i have ever been in love with you.

we've reached the point in the year where i decide i don't like anything about myself and i have to change everything. i feel like the clothes i wear aren't like me anymore. my face isn't my own. like we discussed on my last post, i haven't figured out everything about myself yet, and i think each year i change things about myself to get closer. it's not a bad thing. think about it like trying to remember the code to your phone. 1234 doesn't work? try changing something. 1233? try again, and again and again until you get it. and then you're unlocked. every year, like clockwork.

being in love is dangerous. i firmly believe one of the most dangerous things in the world is a teenage girl in love. but what's even more dangerous is not knowing how you feel about someone. love is fickle, and it's hard to place such a dense word on just anyone. but just "liking" someone feels artificial, a crush is so sickening. i'm getting to the age where i don't want to just have crushes. but i don't know if i want to be in love. i have only been in love (i think) with two people in my life. one was in my 8th grade living environment class, and i wasn't really in love. that's the good thing about middle school crushes, none of them are real. i'm kidding. you know how it is. the other one was more recent, and i still don't know if you could call it being in love. i think i make up people in my head, and just project it onto some poor soul. then i think i'm in love, which screws me over so badly when those people disappoint me. i don't know why i get so sad, i do it to myself. what a childish thing.

i would add more but i think this is the note i have to end on. see you soon.

“what is love supposed to feel like anyway?” - “home by now” , muna

-epic awesome cool girl who is contemplating love