being a whole person.

i have been feeling the pressure. now that people have expressed that they like what i write, i think everything i write is garbage. it isn't your fault though, i think i just get in my head. i have a bunch of drafts of half-written posts that i don't have to heart to hit "publish" on, but i am determined to make this one see the light of day. so, hello blog!

a couple days ago i ascended into heaven. i saw phoebe bridgers in concert with my favorite people in the world. best day of my life. i think i've been reeling the past few days because i am so in awe. anyways, i think that is all i have the capacity to say about that experience right now. no it isn't. let's psychoanalyze a little.

the final song she played before the encore was "i know the end." i hold this song in my heart for many reasons. the past few months, a lot of stuff has been building up. i believed that seeing this song, in person, would get rid of all of this stuff. did it? not all of it. it did make me unexplainably happy though, and i concluded that some stuff i shouldn't let go of. it makes me a fuller person. i think that's my goal. to be the most "person" i can be. i think it's a better mindset. when all the bad stuff happens, it kinda just reminds me that i am a person who lives and breathes and feels things. like it's just a drop in the ocean that is me. or the ocean that is you. that's the nice thing about mindsets. anyone can have them. it makes bad things hurt a little less. take the things that make you "you" and leave the shit. i don't know if that makes any sense. rambling is one of my strong suits.

i despise standardized testing. i don't think it is a good measure of peoples intelligence. also i hate to sit in chairs for extended periods of time. also, this past week of testing marks the final days of school. my sophomore year is coming to a close. (quick gratitude sentence for the many people i love, i can't say names because i will probably forget a lot of people because i am awful at retaining information. love you guys!) i don't think i was fully me this past year. which is okay. who was fully themselves in sophomore year anyways? a big part of being in high school is finding out who you are. and since i'm only halfway done, i think i've got a lot more finding out to do. but here are a few notable things i've found out so far...

- i don't just like boys

- i hold onto people

- i have trouble communicating how i feel in a grounded way

- humor is and isn't funny

- i really like music

- i don't have to dress feminine all of the time

- i love my dog

- disappointing people i love sucks

- change can sometimes be alright

- letting go is hard

maybe you've learned some of these things as well. maybe i've given you something to think about. either way, we shouldn't be embarrassed or nervous about expanding who we are. it's just a part of the journey. don't wallow in the now. try and look at the bigger picture. maybe it'll be better.

"i'm not afraid of anything at all."- "sidelines" , phoebe bridgers

-epic awesome cool girl who is learning as she goes