consumed and erased

hi friends. one could say i am sufficiently upset. all because i wrote a blog post! believe it or not, i wrote a blog post. and it was entirely erased by the mta. turns out if you write a blog post while underground, it does not save! so forgive me for the delay in posting, i was banging my fists against the wall. it's been a second! i hope you guys are doing well. isn't it crazy that we are nearing the end of january?! i feel like i was just telling you how excited i was for the new year. time flies. however, i am starting to realize that i held way too many expectations for this new year. i had a really good funny metaphor in my deleted draft and i forgot it. this is what bothers me so much. the person i am in little moments only exists in those little moments. can't be created or replicated. aggravating. i'll survive. if you couldn't tell, i'm feeling a little whiny. bear with me.

my new years resolution lasted about a week. it was to stop biting my nails. it's a really nasty habit that i will never give up. but i hope you have had better luck. don't be like me, be better! anyways, this has continued to be a very stressful two weeks. last week, we had our scenes at school. everyone is wonderful and talented all of the time! but still stressful. this week is tech week for my show, which opens (and closes) next weekend. so so so much stress surrounding that one. but i pull through. i'm very good at pulling through, sometimes. anyways, i really should get to the point of this post. so, i was listening to this band named muna, (which i am seeing in concert and i will scream and die and be happy) and i was focusing a lot on the lyrics. in this specific song, it talks about holding on to your sadness, and at one point, just letting it flow. i think this 'flow concept' is very cool. i've been listening to this song since june, and every time i do, i say to myself "oh i've done this, i am soooo letting my sadness flow." but this is not true! i, in fact, hold onto things far longer than i should. and i wonder what it would be like if we just let it all go. because it really does change you. at least, i'd like to think it does. i've tried to do it quickly. i've tried in all these funny little awful methods. i think it all just takes time. and you can't force it. if we could just change things about ourselves when we wanted to, life would be so monotonous. and that isn't fun at all! so, for now, maybe our sadness will have a hold on us. but just because we can't cut it off doesn't mean we can't loosen the knot. doesn't mean we can't try. i don't know if i'm making any sense. please let me know if i'm going crazy because i would have to let a few people know. if this is all riddles, try deciphering. maybe something good will come out of it. if not, maybe the next blog post will strike gold. i'll see you then.

also stream new boygenius.

"used to wear my sadness like a choker

yeah, it had me by the throat

tonight i feel i'm draped in it

like a loose garment, i just let it flow", "loose garment" - muna

-epic awesome cool girl who will one day let it floooooooow