a (second) year in review

hello! today is december nineteenth and i am beginning my year in review post. these usually take a while because nobody likes to think about their past, much less post it all on the internet. so i'll begin now, and probably finish it ten minutes before midnight on new year's eve. anyways, here is my second year in review.

before i begin, i'll have you know the rest of this post was written on december 31st, it is 10:36pm and i have just finished writing. i am nothing if not a procrastinator. let's talk about 2023!

january

january first was spent driving back to new york city from cape cod. a tradition that will carry on to this year. but, this year i'm sure i will be driving a majority of the miles. in the past year i have become somewhat of a driver. but back to the past. in january, i was in a production of the crucible and i got to do a lot of screaming on stage. i ate a lot of pomegranates, tried to act a lot older than i was, and then cried like a baby. i bought muna tickets, read an astonishing amount of spiderman comics, and read patti smith. the end of january was marked by going out to lunch by myself for the first time, which was special because i started to realize that sometimes i liked myself well enough to be alone. which is an important thing to learn. i learned a lot this year. let's learn some more.

february

february was a little bit of a boring month. the only exciting part was a little roadtrip during midwinter break to visit schools. this was one out of two college road trips this year. during this specific one, some notable visits were philadelphia, washington, and virginia. it was funny to think about the fact that i will live anywhere other than new york and anywhere other than my home. it is a notion i now find very exciting. anyways, more on february. i started rehearsals for the spring musical, wrote to you, and took a lot of pictures of my friends cat. that's all, really.

march

march introduced the most marvelous of things. march eleventh was the first time i went to metrograph. my most favorite place on earth. i've spent a lot of hours there in the past year, and you better believe i plan to spend many, many more. let's add some more for march. i went skiing, drove many hours, babysat many times, and convinced many of my friends to buy girl scout cookies.

april

when april came, so did more college visits. this time to ohio, pittsburgh, chicago, and michigan. while staying with my grandmother, i spent many hours going through all of her mementos. i also introduced her to chai tea, and she was very pleased. after going back to school, i decided to run for senior class president on a whim. and then, i lost. but getting to put together a campaign was fun. towards the end of april, i went to connecticut to prepare for my summer job, and had no idea what would unfold when i started working. but that's all in the summer, so you'll have to wait. i participated in a history competition to help a friend and we won a very respectable second place prize.

may

the beginning of may was filed with immense planning to film my first short film, "shoes," a project that was filled with a large amount of devotion and collaboration. making that short finalized my thought that making films is what i wanted to spend my time doing. and that has been a very wonderful realization. after much waiting, i went to go see muna with a couple friends, and got to talk to naomi mcpherson and i really have not been the same since. may was when things started to become beautiful again.

june

the spring musical came and went. and it was all very fun! we filmed "shoes" and the sky turned orange. said goodbye to junior year, and was given a farewell gift...much to my surprise, i had gotten into the next years school musical! and that filled me with a joy i don't think i am nearly talented enough to describe with words. but i will try. more on that later. as for the rest of june, it was spent working at my aforementioned summer camp job. which was filled with beauty among other things.

july

so, where did we leave off? i believe it was something about camp being beautiful. which it was. for many reasons. first off, there was a newfound tranquility that came with being independent. if you want me to be honest, junior year put me in a slump. i wasn't myself, and i wasn't happy. this past summer changed a lot of that. so i can look back on that and smile. it wasn't all perfect though. my birthday was spent miserably. i had planned to have this big and wonderful party with all my friends and i was thrilled at the idea that i would get to show off my newfound joy. it was all only one flight away. and then my flight was cancelled. so, that was my birthday. but i flew back a day later and got to spend a beautiful meal with some beautiful people. so, it all turned out alright. if that isn't a lesson, i don't know what is.

august

like all good things, my time working at camp came to an end. which was somewhat of a good thing. it was sad, but i was ready. august remained melancholic. hard month, but the love i had collected did not fade away. and that made me smile. spent time with myself and maggie nelson learning what it is to be in love. i spent many nights sitting on the beach and looking out into the waves expecting for something in return. i look back on times like those. it makes me think about how i still really don't know much about anything now. but i don't feel as sad about it. and i think that is a little bit of a good thing. more good things to come.

september

the most significant thing about september was the beginning of my senior year of highschool. which was weird in a lot of ways. going back to school was strange because school was the same but i was so different. i meant it when i said the summer changed me. and i think it was all for the better because school started to feel good. rehearsals for the musical officially started, and that played a big part in making things wonderful. i met so many spectacular artists, and there was so much love everywhere. that's all i think i can say to you about it.

october

october first was immediately spent celebrating ella's birthday, which was a very fun night. who knew you cannot really make chocolate cake without sugar? then, i went to go see munagenius at msg with sophie which was spectacular and i just about lost my voice from screaming my head off. later, i went out to lunch with emily and had a great miso soup. i went to central park and met up with lucie and made a little film. i saw noa, who came back from college, and alexa came over to my house. wow! so many names. i sound social! i got my senior pictures taken and had a very scary three minutes thinking about graduating and college and my future. and then it passed, as all things do. halloweekend happened, and i basically lived at pearls house, which was lovely. at the end of october, siahvash and i instacarted a wig to school. it was very important. the last night of october was spent watching emergency intercom. so, it was good.

november

i wore a lot of scarfs in november. tech for addams started and days started to get very long. doesn't mean they were bad though. but i got tired. alexa and i twinned at school, nobody saw, but it was great nonetheless. rehearsals for one acts were underway, and drama class started to be a lot more fun. celebrated the seventeenth birthday of a friend, and saw some old family friends. made a little short film about devotion or something like that. had a very funny encounter in shangri-la with carly goldfish. sat in annie's garden, then drew flowers on pearl's wall. then there was thanksgiving. and i found myself having a lot more to be thankful about, which i think is a miraculous thing.

december

december first was one acts. everyone in my class is so talented, so that was a joy. not to mention the fact that ellie kim is an absolute genius. what fun! but the time came for addams to start coming to an end. opening night was unexpected, but spectacular. every show, whether i was on the stage or off, was, in short, incredible. a moment to address how grateful i am to have been a part of something so beautiful with so many beautiful people. so many stars. much love. anyways, addams had to come to an end, which is something i don't think i'll deal with for a while. thank you to everyone who came! celebrated more birthdays and partied hard this month. i had so much to say but it's all out there now, and things like that must be for the better, i hope you'd agree.

so, this is where i am now! i'm back in cape cod after being in montréal for a few days. beautiful city, cold city. and now, i'm writing to you. as of late, i've been vehemently re-reading "just kids", which if you remember, i was reading in the first month of this year. full circle moment. anyways, so, there i am, reading about patti and robert and all i can think is how, more than anything, i would like someone to share my art and mind and love with. i do not know if this is a shameful thing, or if this is something people want to hear. but i know it is true. and i know these people exist. but i know that it is not anyone coming anytime soon. it is a comforting thing to wait. because, if i've learned anything in the past year, it is that i do like myself. for a while i was just alone and disguising it as peace, but then i started not being alone but spending time with myself. if that makes sense. and getting to know myself and how i think and how i love has been a beautiful thing. and it will be a beautiful gift to give one day. but that day is not now. there are other things to come in the following months. and i am excited to see what they are. i am in a time in my life where i am surrounded by good people, good art, and a good life. so, what else could i possibly ask for? all i can say now is thank you. happy new year. hope it's a good one. peace and love. bye!

-epic awesome cool girl in 2023