a balancing act

"i am afraid of change. and i am afraid of staying this way forever."

here is a quote i stumbled upon this evening, and i guess it invoked enough thought for a blog post. i must admit something to you. recently, i have been shying away from writing on here. honestly, i'm not the most neutral or unbiased writer. i am overwhelmed by emotion constantly. so, if i just wrote everything i felt, all of the time, it wouldn't be very fair to myself, other people, or you. it would just be gossip. and i don't think that is what i have ever wanted to do with this blog. plus, i think we can all agree some things should never be put on the internet. so, i hope you can forgive me for my little pause on posting. happy reading.

i feel very connected to this quote. my mother often says that i have been afraid of change my whole life. i feel like this is true. change is such a trivial thing, i don't know why it scares me so much. i just feel like i've been stumbling along my whole life, only barely reaching the minimum of getting by. change invites the opportunity to slip and the possibility of no longer reaching that minimum becomes much more real. dipping into the abyss. i do admit, i find myself in that cesspool more often than not these days. i have just undergone a big change, and as i predicted, i live in the abyss now. but i had a reason. i often have reasons for the things i do. i am nothing if not an overthinker. i knew i would be miserable after changing, an open wound, but i did it with the hope that it would eventually heal and blossom into sustainable happiness. for everyone. and ideally, i would no longer be stumbling along. but i have little hope right now. right now, things just suck. i'll let you know if they get better.

but you might be asking yourself, "why do people change things if it will just make them and others unhappy?" good question. guess what? this brings us to another quote!

"sometimes we have to leave behind one situation to move on to another one. it might be difficult, and it might break your heart, and it might be the last thing you want to do in this moment, but you have to have faith that you're doing what's best for yourself. you will end up somewhere better; you will be okay."

just "getting by" wasn't enough for me anymore. i had to try to get better. that's the best explanation i can give. i don't know if that makes me selfish, or a bad person. i hope not. i try not to do things that will hurt other people. believe it or not, i don't like to do things with malicious intent. and i hate the thought that bettering myself might come at the cost of people i care about. what draws that line? the line between helping yourself and hurting others. it feels like a tightrope. i feel as though i've been pushed off it.

i hope you had a very happy halloween. it's november now! which means i'm getting into my manic holly jolly mood soon. looking forward to it.

"and i want to grow up

i want to grow old

i want to lay down

i want to let go

i want to grow" - "grow" , muna

-epic awesome cool girl who is on her way to blossoming